Vancouver Columnist Pens Spoof Cover Letter for Lululemon CEO Job Posting

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yogapantsIn need of a Friday chuckle? Vancouver-based columnist Guy Saddy, who writes a piece for Elle Canada every month, has used his word count to apply for CEO of Lululemon. As you probably know, and definitely should know, Lululemon headquarters are in Kits in the former bottling company at 1818 Cornwall; the Lululemon flagship store is on West 4th in Kits.

Lululemon corporate culture doesn’t have as much give as their signature stretchy pants. Employees adhere to the “Lululemon manifesto” (a bit creepy?) which dictates an employees breathing, sweating, outlook and so much more.

We’ve culled Saddy’s best witticisms and snarkiest digs below:

“Dear Sir and/or Madam: A few days ago, I inadvertently stumbled upon your recent job posting while searching for a porno-graphic website. I must say, I found it highly entertaining and intriguing. After due consideration, I would like to apply for the position of CEO of Lululemon Athletica. 

 First, let me say that, although I am eminently qualified for the position, there is one requirement I lack: I do not speak Sanskrit. I have, however, been known to speak in tongues on occasion—I trust this will suffice. Your ad also says that you want someone who “communicates powerfully.” That’s me. I do this primarily by yelling, which, in my experience, helps get my point across forcefully and effectively. I can even do this in writing: HEY, YOU! YES,YOU! QUIT SLACKING OFF NOW ANDSTART SELLING SOME STRETCHYPANTS!

As for holding a headstand for 10 minutes, I must admit that I cannot do this (although I can, at times, chew gum and walk). However, as CEO, I would hire someone to do this for me or—and this would be my personal preference—outsource the task to India,where accomplished yogis are as common as vegetarian curry.

I realize that Lululemon’s “corporate culture”—can those two words even be used together when we’re talking about a Vancouver company?—is probably very different from, say, a real business, where the emphasis is on making money. Once again, I think you’ll find my utter disregard for conventional thinking (a.k.a. “logic”) very much to your—or, rather, “our”—advantage.

P.S. Regarding that “see-through yoga pants” debacle? For the record,I’m in favour of them.”

excerpts from: ” LuLuLAND – Hiring me might be a stretch.” by Guy Saddy for Elle Canada, September 2013.

 

 

Last modified: September 20, 2013

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