Finger a Hummer in Kitsilano

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A friend of mine sent sent me a chain email yesterday about a movement against Hummers and their drivers. While I have yet to flip a Hummer the bird, I did find the story intriguing and thought I ‘d do my part by sharing the content here. After a little research, I realize that I’m a little late to the party – there are complete websites (Thanks Darren) dedicated to fingering the the gas-guzzling Hummer.

I’ve never sent a chain message. In fact, I hate them.  But, I know how to take down a military assault vehicle with only one finger and I need your support to make my dream a reality. Don’t worry. I’m not asking for money or going to tell you how to invest yours, I’m not pedaling penile enlargement products, and I don’t care whether you eat Carbs. In fact, I will not market my ideas to the weak. My goal is simple; to institute change by confusing, enraging, and publicly humiliating the most ostentatious loser polluter-pricks in the paved world.  Join me in raising my middle finger to anyone who is seen driving a Hummer.

Complete letter after the jump.

Dear Concerned Citizens of the World:

I’ve never sent a chain message. In fact, I hate them.  But, I know how to take down a military assault vehicle with only one finger and I need your support to make my dream a reality. Don’t worry. I’m not asking for money or going to tell you how to invest yours, I’m not pedaling penile enlargement products, and I don’t care whether you eat Carbs. In fact, I will not market my ideas to the weak. My goal is simple; to institute change by confusing, enraging, and publicly humiliating the most ostentatious loser polluter-pricks in the paved world.  Join me in raising my middle finger to anyone who is seen driving a Hummer.

I’m a 32 year-old guy who has, for the most part, given up on trying to make the world a better place.  But, before I totally retire from rabble-rousing I need your help in curbing one of the most ridiculous social phenomenons of our time–the demilitarization of the Humvee jeep.

Look out wealthy soccer-moms and balding mid-life crisis ridden accountants, it’s my dream to point out (with one-finger) that it’s wrong to commute and haul groceries in an off-road vehicle that has a gross vehicle weight rating over 8500 lbs and gets 9 Miles to the gallon! (Funny that a vehicle made in 2005 gets half the gas mileage of the first mass produced automobile– the Ford Model-T).

In all fairness, who cares about gas mileage when you can monster-truck over a Toyota Prius that stops too quickly in front of you. Then again, I’m not sure what hurts more, getting crushed by a Hummer in traffic or buying a hundred-thousand dollar penile-extension-of-an-automobile only to get fingered by an old lady (with an email account) at a cross-walk. Stop for a second and imagine a world in which opulent geeks get ridiculed rather than rewarded for polluting our air, plugging our roads, crushing our cars and denigrating our culture.

If you live in the United States, proudly raise a one-fingered salute as if you say “our real soldiers died in their Hummers, so that you can play soldier in yours”.  Unless, it’s patriotic to be stupid, there’s no reason to think that the hummer is a proud symbol of America.

Make no mistake, Bush’s “Economic Stimulus Plan” allows small business owners who purchase a Hummer to receive a $100 000 tax-break for buying a vehicle that (by weight) can be construed as a farm vehicle. But, remember, you may be able to drive a hummer through a little legal loophole, but, your going take it socially in the poop-hole from everyone who’s not afraid to erect there middle-finger like a flag-pole. So, take tax laws into your own hands and preemptively finger the rich bastards that your tax dollar subsidizes.

As a child, I used to monitor the streets for Volkswagen Bugs so that I could punch my brother and yell “red punch-buggy, no punch backs”. Yet, to this day I have no idea how or why that game started. It is my dream that people everywhere play my game and help eradicate the Hummer from the urban landscape. If it takes you saying, “Red bugger-a-hummer, no hump backs” that’s fine with me, as long as our collective message is clear.

Please pass this message on to anyone who has been spiritually, morally, culturally, environmentally and/or physically assaulted by an assault vehicle.  BE CAREFUL and remember, military vehicles are, of course, exempt.

Last modified: May 4, 2010

One Response to " Finger a Hummer in Kitsilano "

  1. blair says:

    1 Hummer fingered today on bike…